First published back in July of 2019, British author of outlandish lunacy and mindboggling creativity, Duncan P. Bradshaw’s hugely anticipated novel ‘Cannibal Nuns From Outer Space!’ was released in three different formats, each containing different bonus material:
• The ebook version contained two faux movie trailers
• The paperback version contained three faux movie trailers and one alternative ending
• The special edition hardback version contained seven faux movie trailers, two alternative endings, two deleted scenes and a director’s commentary.
To celebrate the launch of the novel, The Sinister Horror Company (who jointly published ‘Cannibal Nuns From Outer Space!’ together with Gore.com) published an extremely limited edition novelette entitled ‘Thingy’ (2019) which was based upon the ‘Cannibal Nuns From Outer Space’ universe. The 84 page story was written by British author J.R. Park.
Movie Trailers:
Hammer & Sickle - 1 Page & 1 Full page ‘Movie Poster’
[Only included within the Ebook and Hardback editions]
Two Russian twin brothers, instilled with good, honest Russian values, have finally decided enough is enough. Spurred by their mother, together they will fight back against the smug counsellors who’ve foolishly strayed onto their family land…
Brilliant. Just brilliant. The title, the plot, the synopsis – it’s absolute Duncan Pandemonium Bradshaw genius. Every wildly over-the-top word and phrase utilised within the blurb for this faux-movie trailer is absolutely perfect. It’s magnificently on point. “They’re going to take back their country. Piece by bloody piece”. By Putin’s trouser-snake is this pant-splittingly good shit!
Jacob’s Back: The Eaten II – 1 Page & 1 Full page ‘Movie Poster’
[Only included within the Paperback and Hardback editions]
Crazed maniac Jacob Burns is back and hungry as ever. Detective Jack Putz thought they’d seen the last of the cannibal killer. He was wrong. Dead wrong. It’s time to chow down on another helping of tasty human flesh…
A cannibal killer who’s back on the loose and looking for his next mouth-watering meal. “Experience a return to true terror and imaginative cooking”. Has there ever been a more Bradshaw sentence? Man does this sound like a tasty horror treat. If only these weren’t just pretend trailers.
Killer Bass – 1 Page & 1 Full page ‘Movie Poster’
[Only included within the Hardback edition]
When Katie Filipstein flips out and goes on a murderous rampage within a locked nightclub, cage dancers Krystal and Meth must set their differences aside and work together if there’s any hope of saving themselves…and their poletastic way of life…
They just get better. This beauty sounds like ‘Carrie’ (1974) on crystal fucking meth. Indeed, the inclusion of the rival cage dancers – Krystal and Meth – is nothing short of a stroke of comic genius. Is that the second time I’ve used the word ‘genius’ in this dissection already? You know, I think it is! Says a lot really.
The Paddington Frisk – 1 Page & 1 Full page ‘Movie Poster’
[Only included within the Paperback and Hardback editions]
Victorian detective Jack Nightingale has been sentenced to death by hanging for a crime he didn’t commit. By mere fluke the detective survives the noose, although he’s paralysed from the neck down. Now he has just a few short hours in order to solve the puzzle of who set him up and killed the Mayor of London…
Period set crime mystery at its finest boys and girls. That short synopsis doesn’t do the farfetched craziness of this instant classic justice. There’s so much more crammed into the short movie trailer than I’ve managed to portray here. Brilliance in its absurdity. Outrageously inspired. What an idea!
Casanovabot IV: Bad Sectors – 1 Page & 1 Full page ‘Movie Poster’
[Only included within the Ebook and Hardback editions]
After a one-night stand with a non-firewall protected Pleasuredroid, Casanovabot gets the news no automation ever wants to hear. His interface port has been infected with bad sectors. Casanovabot is now on a roadtrip to Las Vegas to find the person who created him. The only one who can purge the virus from his software…
And we’re sent hurtling into the future with this adult comedy sci-fi movie trailer that makes the antics of Futurama’s Bender sound somewhat tame in comparison. This again is pure Bradshaw through-and-through. Reminiscent of aspects from his earlier novel ‘Mr Sucky’ (2018), this slice of comedy bizzaro sounds like it’d be packed to the rafters with utter silliness and outlandish perversity. As I said, that’s Bradshaw through-and-through.
Evolution Force – 1 Page & 1 Full page ‘Movie Poster’
[Only included within the Paperback and Hardback editions]
When the anthropological cult, Primate Dawn, land on the isle of Utopia in a plot to ape-nap a rare albino monkey, mankind finds itself on the brink of Armageddon. Only one group can save humanity. That group is the Evolution Force…
Charles Darwin eat your frigging heart out. In one fell swoop, Bradshaw rewrites the rules on evolution with his wacky apocalyptic yarn of high-staked craziness. The trailer splices together all the ingredients for a science teacher’s worst nightmare, producing a story packed with wacky ideas amongst a high-octane mile-a-minute plot. What a film this would be my friends.
The Pastor Of Deathtown – 1 Page & 1 Full page ‘Movie Poster’
[Only included within the Hardback edition]
It all began in the Deep South when Pastor Jim Gambal stumbled upon an arcane parchment, setting the man turned maniac on a pathway to madness. His mission: to harvest pure stardust from human organs in order to become a God. Who can face such madness? Who can overcome such despicable lunacy?...
For this final faux-movie trailer we’re taken back to the Jonestown Massacre-inspired story of Reverend Jim Gambal which featured within the author’s novel ‘Hexagram’ (2016). Here we have the substory (supposedly) remade for a straight-to-video movie, with twenty minutes of extra footage thrown into the mix. The incorporation of these ‘Easter Egg’ like elements from what is shaping up to be the ‘Bradshaw Universe’ is a grin-inducing pleasure to spot. This one is a prime example of the sort of stuff that undoubtedly thrown in for the fans.
Cannibal Nuns From Outer Space! - 297 Pages
DLS Synopsis:
Father Flynn may well be the top operative at the Order of the Crimson Rosary, but he’s also an alcoholic maverick and more than loose cannon in the eyes of many. Nevertheless his methods get results. Albeit they used to. Although recently he’d been responsible for a number of relatively high-profile fuck-ups which had left the Catholic Church looking more than a tad red-faced.
As a consequence, Flynn is ordered to spend thirty days and thirty nights at the ‘Saint Judas Centre for Reaffirmation of Faith and Training Convent’ to undergo forced evaluation. If he doesn’t pass the assessment he’ll be busted back down to library assistant at the Great Scripture Repository in Romsey.
However, the methods of this rehabilitation process are perhaps as unorthodox as the priest himself. Nevertheless, like Flynn, they get results. And a hell of a lot faster than the more ‘traditional’ methods. Which is no bad thing at all, because a new threat appears to be sweeping across the quaint rural landscape of Wales.
It started with a few happy campers disappearing. Before long, an entire campsite had fallen foul to the invading threat. Humans being turned into intergalactic chow for the discerning human-hungry meat-eaters of outer space.
The alien bastards had come to our hapless little planet and begun their dastardly harvesting using their Zinaki Meat Processor 2000. To rub further salt in the gaping wound, the insectile beasts were hiding in plain sight. Walking amongst us in the most unlikely of guises.
That’s right, the vile flesh-chomping beasts had taken on the disguise of nuns. Calm, tranquil, wholly god-fearing and deviant-as-sin nuns.
Only one man can stand up against these demonic nuns with their gaping chests of needle-sharp teeth. One priest with his unruly beard and the mutated pet axolotl contained within. The priest is fresh out of rehabilitation. Ready to kick arse with all the might of a lifetime of alcohol abuse behind him.
It’s time to strap on your dog collar, put the eBible on standby, and get your God-fearing vengeance locked and loaded. Oh yes my booze-fuelled flock, with a fist full of rosary beads, it’s time to do some honest-to-God nun bashing…
DLS Review:
When venturing into a Duncan P. Bradshaw novel, you’re guaranteed a bucket load of creative lunacy and ferocious gore-laden comedy. It’s what the man does best. It’s his forte.
However, there’s so much more to it than just wacky comedy and bloodspill. Bradshaw throws everything of himself into his books. His love for B-Movies and pop culture. His curiosity for the strange and perverse. His cheeky exploration into the risqué. Together these make up the key ingredients for a textbook Bradshaw story (if one could ever say there was a standard Bradshaw tale that is!).
But of course we don’t end there. A story needs to have…well…a story. A solid gold nugget of an idea which can carry us off into wonderfully fucked up places and mind boggling back alleys of depravity.
For his latest maniacal offering – ‘Cannibal Nuns From Outer Space!’ – we have a twenty-four carat boulder of a story, with a narrative that yanks you this way and that, stacking up the jenga blocks for the most elaborate platform for his characters to do their thing upon. Then it’s just a case of standing back and watching as Bradshaw unleashes all hell with his splattergun of wackiness.
The story reads like a cross between John Carpenter’s ‘The Live’ (1988) and Peter Jackson’s ‘Bad Taste’ (1987) – all with a thick wedge of tongue-in-cheek 50’s B-Movie about it. I may have used a mere two films as a comparison there. Quite frankly, you can throw in a shit tonne more. You see, Bradshaw’s deliberately referenced and homaged so many of his favourites. From ‘Predator’ (1987) to ‘Father Ted’ (1995-98), from ‘Blade Runner’ (1982) to ‘Die Hard’ (1988), the story contains a veritable litany of respectful nods to these collective cinematic and TV inspirations.
Like with so much (if not all) of Bradshaw’s work, the story is built up with a complex tapestry of narratives and characters. Chapters jump around from one perspective to the next, deviating off course into some oddball new direction that’s as unpredictable and as unlikely as the rest of the tale. Of course it’s the characters that make the story zing with energy and interest. Characters who pull together the wackiness of the narrative into some semblance of a ‘proper’ story.
As always, it’s also with these characters where one of Bradshaw’s greatest strengths lies. Father Flynn is our far-from-level-headed principal protagonist. He’s a bit of a drunk. He also has a pet axolotl hidden within his beard (there is no end to the wackiness). This axolotl is a sort of silent sidekick who only comes out to play much later on. Similarly, there’s a demon trapped within the body and mind of Flynn (ala Guy N Smith’s Mark Sabat). This demonic Prince of Puke is a sarcastic presence named Fattori Gutso whose challenging mutterings create a magnificently witty dialogue between the two.
However, almost every one of the characters with a role in the tale is bursting out of their own orifices with exotic, outrageous, utterly over-the-top personalities and character traits. Take David ‘Phil De Hole’ Hughes as a prime example. He’s a spit and shit Welshman through and through, who’s sexual deviancies have taken him to making love to bus stops. But Bradshaw doesn’t leave it at that. Oh no, Hughes has his own website where he uploads videos of his sexual conquests for his discerning subscribers to get their voyeuristic thrills from – should they so choose.
I’ve mentioned the comical splattergun approach our lunatic-in-arms has unleashed upon his tale. I feel I should elaborate some more on this. You see, all through the entire length of the novel Bradshaw injects a seemingly endless barrage of comical wackiness. Barely a sentence goes by without some, it’s probably fair to say relatively lowbrow humour, being pumped through the veins of the narrative. And all through this characters rattle on with a uniquely meandering dialogue, laced with cheeky banter and joviality.
Ultimately though, what we’re interested in with a novel named ‘Cannibal Nuns From Outer Space!’ is the outrageous B-Movie qualities nestled in its bosom. Well my friends, this is where Bradshaw has pulled out all the stoppers and quite frankly gone to mother fucking town. It’s sci-fi horror pumped with the mutated chemical creation of a psychotic genius. It’s maniacal and mischievous in equal measures. And those measures certainly ain’t no half-measures.
In ‘Cannibal Nuns From Outer Space!’ you get a non-stop avalanche of high-octane, lowbrow, ferocious and utterly unpretentious entertainment from start to finish. Bodies are sliced and diced and given the meatgrinder treatment. Deviancy and dastardly deception play equal hands in a game to save the world from extra-terrestrial slaughter. Yeah, we’re the cattle, and the Kaihoro nuns are Ronald McDonald’s happy helpers. Thank God we’ve got alcoholic priests to save the day eh?!
Nunsploitation has never smelt so fine.
Special Edition Post-Credits Scene – 3 Pages
Oroo the Kaihoro commander looked on as the Forrins popped under the heat of the firestorm. Soon their extinction would be complete. The thought brought great enjoyment to the commander. But such joy won’t last long, for a message is on its way to her. A message of Earth and the doom of Francesca’s collection team. It’s enough to sour any vision of annihilation…
A cracking little 1980’s style post-credits scene, taking a step back from the story, and with tongue firmly wedged in cheek, delivering the satisfying message to the alien bastards that humanity is here to stay. Or is it? Oh, the deliciously 80’s signoff is perfect.
Bonus Material:
The Darth Plagiarist Ending – Alternative Ending [Chapter 38] – 7 Pages
[Included within the Paperback & Special Edition Hardback editions]
The nuns had been defeated for now, but Flynn knew Mother Superior had still managed to get a signal off to whatever it was circling in low orbit. Flynn had no doubt in his mind that their troubles hadn’t come to an end, but instead escalated. Although now they have the opportunity to deliver their own shitstorm. The only thing is, in doing so, one of them will need to kick the bucket…
Here we have what was the original ending, which slots in directly after Chapter 37, delivering a phoney heart-wrenching alternative end sequence to the story. Filled with heroic gestures and monstrously over-the-top leaning on our affections for the characters, Bradshaw does a superb job at delivering a purposefully clichéd signoff that’s as corny as it is hilarious.
The Red Dwarf Ending – Alternative Ending [Chapter 33] – 8 Pages
[Only included within the Special Edition Hardback]
Father Flynn was in some pretty hot water. Across the courtyard Sister Caitlin was dragging the Zinnki Food Processor – 2000 series in his direction, her mouth-watering at the thought of their next meaty noodle meal. Standing there, stark bollock naked, the priest was in some seriously deep shit. Although, he still has his comrades. His faithful comrades will rescue him. Surely?...
Fancy a bleak and decidedly gruesome ending? Instead of humanity kicking some serious nunnery arse, as is the novel’s current ending, you could slot this badboy in after Chapter 32, and bring the whole story crashing to a blood-soaked, and shockingly abrupt conclusion. It’s bleak and badass and as I’m sure you’ve gathered – doesn’t end well for our protagonists.
The Original Unedited Opening Chapter [Chapter 1] – 7 Pages
[Only included within the Special Edition Hardback]
Bradshaw did some relatively major editing with the story before it was in the final form. Here we get to see a prime example of this. The original unedited opening chapter, warts and all, for you to contrast and compare with that of the finely polished final version. Yeah, they’re the same chapters, but Bradshaw clearly got some serious power tools out when he was refining and remodelling them. It’s interesting to see how that all went, flicking back and forth between the original and the final edit.
Flynn Wakes Up In Dynynbwtya Lleian - Deleted Scene – 4 Pages
[Only included within the Special Edition Hardback]
Father Flynn woke in an alleyway, his head pounding from the crushing weight of another merciless hangover. Where in hell’s Welsh backwoods was he? Hopefully no one important will see him in this state. No one like the fucking Archbishop…
Instead of the taxi ride and cannibal nun flashback sequence we have a short chapter showing our hapless drunken hero waking up wrecked and trying to figure out what he’d done to end up where he was now. Yeah, the taxi journey and resulting ‘Predator’ (1987) inspired flashback is an inspired chapter in the story. Nevertheless, this is still a fun little slice of Flynn drunken fuckery.
Director’s Commentary – 26 Pages
[Only included within the Special Edition Hardback]
In true collector’s edition style, we have the scene-by-scene (or here chapter-by-chapter) director’s commentary of the entire book. This is a great read. A wonderful insight into the writing and editing process, as well as the wacky array of inspirations that have gone into the story. Of course, Bradshaw maintains his comical charm throughout this, with witty jokes scattered all over the shop. I feel I have to mention that I’m also referred to as one of the coolest guys Bradshaw’s met in this section (I was included as a character within the story, so got mention in the commentary) – oh yes, reviewer suitably buttered up my friend! Ergo – so pretty hefty DLS skullage (in all seriousness, the book deserves it).
The Special Edition Hardback runs for a total of 418 pages
© DLS Reviews
